


I'm Gonna Love You Inside Out

by LFMH021



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: And then some dialogues came from the book because I was not sure of the specific lines in the movie, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Crush, Awkward Romance, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, I live for supportive best friends!, M/M, Romance, Supportive Garrett, Timeline is a lil bit messed up sorry, mild bullying, movie-verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 17:09:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14169594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFMH021/pseuds/LFMH021
Summary: He forgot when he last saw Simon smile. He forgot when he last saw Simon raise his eyes to meet anyone else’s gaze for more than two seconds. He forgot when he last heard Simon laugh. He forgot when he last saw those beautiful eyes spark with life.Bram has forgotten to look away from Simon, and every second that passed by broke his heart even more.Or: Bram’s POV after Simon was outed to the universe, and the events that came after.





	I'm Gonna Love You Inside Out

**Author's Note:**

> I have read the book few months ago, and have recently watched the film adaptation. Both broke and wrapped my heart with warmth and fluffiness within the time I read and then watched them. But a certain part in the movie really got to me – the cafeteria bullying scene, I have wondered constantly what Bram thought of the whole event. So here is my take on it. I am generally an angsty writer but I will try my best to include fluff. And I will do my best to get their characterisation correctly. 
> 
> This is my first fanfiction for this fandom so don’t flame me, please. Enjoy!

Bram’s hands shook as he enabled the settings that would permanently unable Simon to reply to his emails. He could almost imagine that he was just a second faster from Simon’s finger which probably hit ‘Send’ a minute after he made his decision.

It hurt, and he desperately wanted to continue his conversation with Jacques – Simon – if he could but the fear of being known as ‘Blue’ and being outed in the universe scared him. He was not prepared for that yet. He just personally came out to few of the closest people in his life. He could not adapt to too many changes in a matter of days.

_And did you think Simon could?_

He was tempted to unable the _permanently block Jacques_ so he hastily slammed his laptop and pushed it away. He stood up and threw himself on his bed. He ran his hand on his hair and shut his eyes to not look back on his study desk when his mind suddenly decided to throw images of a weeping Simon. He wasn’t sure whether he was prepared to see Simon after Christmas vacation at this rate.

 

* * *

 

 

It has been days. He mentally and emotionally prepared himself when Simon walks in, especially during lunch break. He also physically readied himself by taking deep breaths even once in a while to compose himself and his expressions – to not let guilt show.

Garrett raised an eyebrow at him when Bram took another deep breath before entering the cafeteria with him. “Do you want to eat outside? Is the school suffocating you or something?”

He shook his head with a small smile. “It just feels like the atmosphere is so tense today, you know.”

Garrett blinked and glanced at the table few meters away from them. “Apparently, Simon was outed in Creekswood, and there are different reactions on the sudden revelation. It does not really help that Abby, Leah and Nick seemed to have decided to leave out of their group.”

Bram raised his eyes from his tray towards where his friend was looking at, and his heart clenched when he saw the seat beside Leah unoccupied. “Wait, what?”

Garrett looked back at him with disbelief. “You honestly did not notice?”

Bram tried his hardest to blend with the crowd so that no one would question him since he also usually hung out with Simon’s group. His decision both helped and did not help. “I was kind of distracted with all of the things we had to submit the moment we stepped in.”

The other shrugged. “Fair point. But yeah, it looks like Simon was estranged. Since morning, I heard nothing but _Simon this_ and _Simon that._ I want to step in but I don’t really know explicit details so…” He trailed off.

Bram looked up and saw that everyone’s eyes turned towards a newcomer in the cafeteria.

Simon.

The blond surely felt the eyes on him but he continued walking towards the lunch queue, grabbed a tray and ordered his food. After successfully ordering food, he turned around to look for a table. Bram silently observed as Simon’s eyes fell on his usual table. Bram watched as Leah, Abby and Nick look back at their friend and simultaneously look down on their food with blank expressions.

Bram looked back up at Simon and found his heart breaking with the expression on the blond’s face. He sat down on an almost empty table few meters away. He raised his gaze, met some students’ eyes, looked away, and found Bram’s eyes on him.

Bram’s heart pounded hart against his chest; he quickly looked away and pretended to not have been caught watching the other boy.

Few minutes after, the horrendous scene begun. He badly wanted to fight for Simon but he felt rooted on his seat, uncertain what expression to show as Simon stood up and approached the two bullies.

Several more moments later, punishments were handed out. Voices were raised. Words that stung were thrown. And Bram just couldn’t look away from Simon as the blond tried to hold everything in.

Simon left the cafeteria and when Bram looked back on where the other was just sitting at, he found the blond’s food untouched.

Garrett stabbed his broccoli with his fork. “That was fucked up.”

Bram used his own fork to move a pea around his plate. “Do you ever feel powerless? Why does it matter if someone is gay? Why does it matter someone is different from status quo?”

“People usually push away what they don’t understand. They push away what they believe go against what they know as normal,” Garrett answered with slumped shoulders.

He felt his appetite leaving him so he opted to grab the snack he packed instead. He bit his lip when he found a pack of Oreos in his pocket.

_Thank you, universe. As if everything did not hurt enough already._

He was just heading towards the soccer field for their practice when he heard a familiar voice. He stood several meters away, hidden in the shadows as he watched Simon and Martin talk – yell – at each other on the parking lot.

“This is supposed to be mine! I’m supposed to decide when and where and who knows and how I want to say it!”

He frowned, unable to understand what Simon meant.

Martin seemed to have lost his voice.

“But you took that from me!” Simon yelled, voice cracking. “So can you step away from my car and leave me the fuck alone?”

Bram watched as Martin’s shoulders slumped as he nodded. Simon walked towards his car and slammed the door shut. Bram stayed where he was as Martin walked away. No one was there as his eyes watered when he saw Simon grip his steering wheel, slammed his fists on it, slammed his head on it and then just broke down on the driver’s seat.

 

* * *

 

 

Days passed.

Rumours and murmurs could still be heard in the hallways.

Bullied still lingered to make fun of Simon when they got to corner him.

And Bram’s resolve gradually melted as he watched the person he loved crumble and lose his happiness as each day ticked by.

He forgot when he last saw Simon smile. He forgot when he last saw Simon raise his eyes to meet anyone else’s gaze for more than two seconds. He forgot when he last heard Simon laugh. He forgot when he last saw those beautiful eyes spark with life.

He has not opened his Gmail for days. He has not checked Creekswood for days. His eyes always followed a certain blond. It was a miracle he was still getting good grades and could still score goals during practices and games.

Bram was on his way home after picking up a book he reserved in the library when he saw a familiar hair on a table. That was when he realised that Simon was seated on a table on a corner of the library, asleep with his head on top of his folded arms on the table. His eyebrows were pinched.

“Poor Simon. Even during play practice, he could not even muster a smile anymore,” he heard a girl mumble behind him in the line.

“Yeah, he’s my classmate in AP English, and he asked to work individually on a project to be submitted next week. I don’t blame him though. Some of our classmates are homophobic as hell. What if he accidentally picks one of their names, right?”

He stayed on a seat few meters apart from the blond until the library was good as empty. As soon as no one was looking, he left a pack of Oreos beside Simon’s arm; with a quick look around, he brushed the blond’s soft locks. “I hope you smile again soon,” He whispered and quickly walked out of the library.

 

* * *

 

 

He was casually walking towards the men’s restroom to take a piss when he heard sobs in the cubicle at the very end of the room.

He quietly strained his ears to see – or hear – if he could pinpoint who it was. His eyes widened when he heard a voice he has been dying to hear whisper, “You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

He bit his lip as Simon’s hiccups and gasps for breath echoed.

“Simon, keep it together. Keep it together. It’s your last year. Just few more days ‘til graduation. You’ll be okay,” The blond muttered, trying desperately not to cry even more.

Bram took a deep breath, took out his untouched handkerchief and handed it from the top of the closed door. “Here.”

“…Bram?”

“Yep. I can pretend I did hear you, if you want.” _Liar. This will surely haunt you for days._

A pause. “Please do.” Simon accepted the handkerchief.

He stayed outside of the cubicle before finding the courage to say, “Stay strong, Simon.”

Another pause. “Thank you. I will try.”

_Stay strong, Jacques._

 

* * *

 

 

And then the post surfaced.

He has set notification whenever there was a new post in Creekswood just to keep in touch with what is happening, especially after what happened with Simon.

What made him sit up suddenly was seeing Simon’s name as the post’s author. He read the post thrice before a tear dropped on his phone’s screen. He raised his hand and realised he was crying. He was weeping because he suddenly recalled what really made his fall in love with Simon from the start: his courage.

Courage to stand up firm and confidently even if he was always holding his breath. Courage to turn up everyday at school even if he was followed with whispers. Courage to reach for Blue after Blue has posted at Creekswood. And Courage to fall because of uncertainties and stand up again. Again and again.

Courage which inspired Bram to do certain things he never thought he would do before he graduates.

To know that Simon still wanted to see him, meet him and accept him made him walk towards a mirror and face himself. “I am Abraham Louis Greenfeld. And I am in love with Simon ‘Jacques’ Spier.” It was as if a thorn was removed from his heart upon hearing the words out loud.

Now, to find courage to actually turn up in the Tilt-A-Whirl and show his face.

 

It was as if the world turned upside down because of Simon’s post. Suddenly, people were greeting the blond. He was receiving high-five’s and fist bumps from several people in the hallway. People who just read the post were smiling on their phones, even their own Principal.

Adoration followed Simon in every corner. Several people have also begun sharing things in Creekswood. It took three times more effort to be one of audience for the play because the lines to watch it were three times longer.

Garrett had to pull strings so that they could take seats few rows in front. He did not know how Garrett knew he wanted to seat somewhere he could see Simon easily but he was grateful for having an amazing best friend. They sat right beside Leah and Nick.

He couldn’t keep his eyes away from the blond the moment the play begun until it ended. He would have recorded it if he could for memories’ sake. The play was not even emotional but he felt a bit teary-eyed after because of that small smile he saw on Simon’s face as the curtains closed.

 

* * *

 

 

The carnival was not very far away. In fact, Bram was pretty sure he was half an hour earlier than Simon’s group.

Garrett had practically tried every game, and has bought hundreds of tickets – prepared to conquer all rides with Bram.

But Bram’s eyes kept on snapping towards the Tilt-A-Whirl which was still pretty empty. He also had not seen any sign of Simon or any of his friends yet.

Which was how Garrett was able to drag him towards the very dangerous Roller Coaster that looked like it could collapse even if just four people rode it. It took five years away from Bram’s lifespan. If he died before Simon, he would blame his best friend.

After few more rides, his gaze fell on the crowd that had gathered around the Tilt-A-Whirl. From a distance, he saw Simon hand over several tickets and rode on one of the seats. There were cheers from the crowd below him.

_Now’s the moment, Bram. Go. Go. Go._

His feet did not move.

Garrett whistled at the spectacle. “He’s really doing it, huh. You wanna go see—“

“No,” He cut in.

His best friend looked at him with raised eyebrows.

He gulped and looked away. “I mean, I’m pretty sure we’ll hear more cheers if _Blue_ turns up right? Why don’t we go enjoy while Simon waits for his love story to be completed? I thought you’re conquering your fears? Don’t tell me you’re chickening out now?”

Garrett stared at him for a second and then ran towards the Vikings, screaming, “Race! Loser sits at the very edge!”

 

* * *

 

 

He was full. They had tried most of the food stalls. They had played all the games in the carnival. They had ridden all rides twice or thrice for the span of almost two hours. They had ridden all except for Tilt-A-Whirl which still had Simon as one of its occupants.

The crowd had lessened and the tense atmosphere thickened. Even without them, he could see through their expressions that this was Simon’s last ride. The smile he had earlier had disappeared.

_All because of me. Again. As usual._

“Why don’t you just go?” Garrett whispered beside him.

Bram looked up at his best friend, surprise evident in his face. The other smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Garrett—“

“I know.”

Whether it was him being gay or he was Blue or that he was in love with Simon, Bram wasn’t sure what Garrett was pertaining to.

Garrett must have read his expression and explained, “You’re my best friend, Bram. I was there when you first met the guy, and I swear I have never seen you stumble with words as much as you did back then. I was talking with Leah when they watched one of our practices, even Leah and Nick wondered why you were messing up so badly. Did you really think I also didn’t notice that you were more glued to your phone this year than usual? I watched you watch Simon ever since the controversy started. I saw your expression mimic his. You’re Blue, aren’t you?”

His throat constricted. And he didn’t know whether he wanted to be happy or freak out someone found out that easily.

He could just nod dumbly.

Garrett squeezed his shoulder. “Bram, I don’t care,” He said gently. “I don’t care if you’re gay. I don’t care if you were Blue. I don’t care if you have been in love with Simon all along. I do care that you were as unhappy as he was when he was outed. I do care that you were happier when something connected you to Simon. You are Bram and Blue. And Simon loves both. As he said, you deserve to have your love story too.”

He glanced at the Tilt-A-Whirl where Martin was making a scene, which he was actually a little grateful for. He gulped and looked back at Garrett.

“Go.”

He took a deep breath, smiled at his best friend, turned and ran towards the Tilt-A-Whirl where his world would be completed.

“I’ll take photos and videos for memories’ sake!” He heard Garrett yell from behind him.

But he just ran even faster. He pushed some people away until he was right in front of Simon, whose beautiful eyes landed on him, confusion evident on them.

He handed a ticket to the operator, faced Simon and asked, “Can I sit here?”

Simon smiled a little, and said, “I was actually waiting for someone,” even as he loosened the seatbelt to let him sit beside him.

Bram couldn’t help the warmth that enveloped his heart upon knowing that Simon was still willing to wait for him even after hours of doing nothing but _waiting patiently._ He sat down beside the blond. “I know.”

He looked at Simon and watched as his adorable face scrunch up a little in confusion, blink in consideration and gasp a little as realisation hit him. “It’s you.”

“It’s me.”

Bram knew he made the right decision when Simon’s face light up like as if Bram just hung the moon and stars for him. Not like Bram wouldn’t do that for him.

He made a silent promise never to be a reason for those eyes to lose their spark ever again. And as his hand took hold of Simon’s, he knew it was too early to drop the three-word phrase but he did know that Simon was the person he was willing to say it to. Soon. For now, they would be okay enjoying the ride for a while with the crowd cheering below them – celebrating love.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't edited and proofread it yet. I will, tomorrow. :3
> 
> I hope you liked it! KUDOS AND COMMENTS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!
> 
> Yell at me on my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lovefadesminehas021)
> 
> OR 
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lfmh021)


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